Honestly, as you saw the words “Accountability Confrontations,” what was your reaction? Based on my coaching conversations, it doesn’t conjure a lot of warm fuzzies for everyone. But it doesn’t have to be negative, either.
Accountability confrontations are the conversations that take place after someone has made a commitment, and failed to keep it. Like positive confrontations, which I wrote about in my last post, here, they often start with the question, “Why?”
They become positive accountability confrontations when both parties are able and willing to comply to a solution, and the relationship is strengthened.
Easy-peasy, right?
Based on over 30-years of study,authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler examined people’s willingness to hold others accountable: confronting violations of rules, laws, commitments, or promises, in other words, the social contracts in which we operate. In Crucial Accountability(McGraw-Hill Education, 2013), the companion to Crucial Conversations (McGraw-Hill Education, 2011), they outlined a three-step process to address bad behavior, un-kept promises, or broken commitments that resulted in unmet expectations: CPR.
Positive Accountability Confrontations
- Content: identify the action or event that took place (the here and now).
- Unbundle the problem. Identify all the elements.
- Identify what is bothering you the most.
- Be concise: communicate the issue in one (simple) sentence. It could be as simple as, “When you X, I feel Y, therefore Z.”
- For example: “When you don’t wear a mask, I feel scared for your health and mine, therefore I would like you to wear a mask in this shared space.”
- Pattern: when the action or event recurs, address the pattern over time.
- Point out the number of times this event took place, what you had agreed to, and how the repeated actions/events affect predictability, respect, and trust. This is different than pointing out the action or event. It requires honesty, and respect.
- For example: “It is my understanding that we agreed you would wear a mask in this public space, and this is the second time I have seen you not wearing one. I am concerned that I can’t count on you to keep your word.”
- Relationship: how this affects your relationship.
- Explore the intentions and consequences with compassionate curiosity (for you, them, and others).
- Share your understanding (about the content or pattern), and how you feel about the other person.
- Share your objectives: what you want to happen in the future for you, them, and your relationship.
- For example: “We agreed you would wear a mask in this public space, and this is the third time I have seen you not wearing one. This pattern is putting a strain on our relationship, and I am concerned about that. I want us to be able to trust each other, and to act with mutual respect.”
Don’t Get Hooked by Emotions
Certainly, when the stakes are higher, it’s easy to become hooked by our emotions. That’s why it’s so important to be aware of the stories we tell ourselves before, during, and after a confrontation.
You see, when we tell ourselves that the other is the villain, we often end-up telling ourselves we are the victim, and we engage our amygdala: that reptilian brain responsible for fight, flight, or freeze. But when we recognize and address our own fears, we are better prepared for a more neutral, compassionate, curious conversation that yields a win-win-win.
What do you think? Do you have a model for positive accountability confrontations? I’d love to hear from you. I can be reached here, on LinkedIn, or give me a call: 561-582-6060.
