Confronting someone for their behavior today is no easy feat, especially when emotions are easily triggered and opinions vary. When expectations are left unmet—including protocol infractions, civil disobedience, illegal behavior and everything in between—frustration, lack of accountability, and broken relationships become the norm. But those who foster positive confrontations can create win-win-win solutions.
If you’re like many of the people I speak with, you likely avoid confrontations. And I don’t blame you: we don’t want to make matters worse. But, when we say nothing, we perpetuate the problem (and in some cases, become co-conspirators.)
What if we could make a positive difference?
Most of us are not highly skilled in win-win-win confrontation. We feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. Instead, we can learn and practice positive confrontations: address the issue in a way that supports the well-being of self, others, and the relationship between the two.
Calculating Risks and Rewards in Confrontations
Conflicts can range from disappointments (i.e. someone not meeting our expectations) to microaggressions, to outright dangerous and/or illegal behavior. And yet, we are often hesitant to say anything. Why is that?
Our willingness to speak up changes based on what’s at stake. In general, most of our daily conflicts boil down to:
- Priority or value differences
- Behavior or communication style differences
- Inequality (or perceived inequality)
In Crucial Accountability (McGraw-Hill Education, 2013), authors Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler share their 30+ years study on confrontations. When they asked people why they remained (or became) silent in the presence of an injustice or violation of a social norm, the majority of responses were a version of, “it’s not worth it.” The perception was, they wouldn’t, or couldn’t, make a difference.
But here’s the thing: when a positive example of a successful confrontation is witnessed, people speak up.
According to the authors, “Provide individuals who have been disappointed or poorly treated with something to say and a way to say it that leads to the result they want, and their mental math changes. Better yet, their behavior changes. People now believe it’s in their best interest to step up to violated promises, broken commitments, and bad behavior. And they do.”
When the stakes are high, are you prepared for a positive confrontation?
I’ll dive-in to this in my next post. In the meantime, what do you think? What has been your experience with conflict and confrontations? I’d love to hear from you. I can be reached here, on LinkedIn, or give me a call: 561-582-6060.
