How likeable are the leaders in your organization? Is likeability at work measured using the same criteria for everyone? If a co-worker asked you about their likeability, what would you say?
I’ve been writing about this in recent posts. Likeable colleagues are trustworthy, empathic, and connect with us. In the organizations where I consult, I see the most likeable co-workers demonstrate social sensitivity: they pick up on cues, maintain healthy boundaries, and connect on a deep level. When a topic like this comes up, they are prepared to discuss it in a helpful way. They are competent, genuine, and likeable people.
Similarly, likeable leaders impress us with special qualities, many of which involve good looks, charm, communication skills, and a leadership “aura.” But as Michelle Tillis Lederman wrote in The 11 Laws of Likeability (AMACOM, 2011), “The worst thing anyone can do when trying to establish a personal bond with someone is to come across as manipulative or self-serving.”
You see, we seek to be led by those who look like us (or what we think we should ideally look like), with similar values and a shared vision. This psychological drive is called homophily. We also hope our leaders will have some positive differences from us; heterophyly. We want our leaders to be smarter, as well as more competent, visionary, and articulate, than we are. We believe this individual is like us at some basic level, but also capable of directing us to a place we couldn’t reach on our own.
Questions to Explore
To improve your likeability at work, ask yourself these questions, and then ask yourself “why”?
- What stories do you tell yourself, about you, your family, your work? How we perceive others is our reality, and vice-versa: how others perceive us is their reality. If we remember that our perceptions are the map and not the territory, then we realize we can be flexible in changing our beliefs and considering alternatives.
- What stories do you tell yourself about your strengths and weaknesses? When we see ourselves mastering skills and achieving goals that matter, we gain a sense of self-efficacy. This is the confidence that, if we learn and work hard in a particular area, we’ll succeed; and it’s this type of confidence that leads people to accept difficult challenges, and persist in the face of setbacks. This overlaps with self-esteem: a sense that we can cope with what’s going on in our lives, and that we have a right to be happy.
- What are your values and beliefs? Do you consistently walk your talk? When a situation impinges on our deepest values, we often leap to a place of righteousness and passion. Preparation is key: know your boundaries, your strategies, and tactics, before you react.
- What motivates you? While we may seek to satisfy our interests differently from others (theoretical, utilitarian, aesthetic, social, individualistic, and traditional or religious), everyone has four basic drives: to acquire, bond, learn, and defend. Recognize the drives behind your thoughts, attitudes, and behaviors.
- What is your purpose? Do your values, beliefs, and motivations align with your purpose?
Work through these questions periodically to improve your self-awareness. Considering working with a qualified executive coach who can help you identify bias and blind spots. Learnability, adaptability and ongoing choices and actions (or lack thereof) have a considerable impact on your likeability at work. Improvement requires you to recognize your attitudes and behaviors, shift your mindset, and develop new behaviors.
What do you think? Is likeability at work measured using the same criteria for everyone? I’d love to hear from you. You can call me at 561-582-6060, let’s talk. And as always, I can be reached here, or on LinkedIn.
